Calling all Narnia Fans

[PeacefulOreo]

So I've made a story with several Narnia characters. I could use some suggestions and feedback on the story. I'm not yet finished with the story

https://www.wattpad.com/story/219252274 ... cess-annie

[PeacefulOreo]

I have finished Chapter 2

[ST0RM]

I have finished Chapter 2

It's good. I'm not into romance and such but it is good.

[Caramelapple3]

.

[PeacefulOreo]

I'm sorry If that sounds offensive to you , I am just trying to be honest. I'm also writing a story with romance in it, and I think you've done pretty good, you just need to tweak it in some places.

It doesn't offend me, it helps me

But I felt kinda lost when your characters say goodnight and then all of a sudden two other characters start talking about them. I think that maybe you should show how those characters got to talking, because I feel like I just jumped a cliff without knowing how I got there.

Where?

I just think you need a bit more detail in some areas and the romance part of it is a little lame somehow, though I'm not going to explain it here.

Do you have another game account somewhere? Like Equiverse to privately tell me what you think I should add?

[Caramelapple3]

...

But I felt kinda lost when your characters say goodnight and then all of a sudden two other characters start talking about them. I think that maybe you should show how those characters got to talking, because I feel like I just jumped a cliff without knowing how I got there.

Where?

"It was great talking to you but I need to go get a good night's rest, my father plans for us to leave tomorrow morning and I would like to make sure I'm well rested," Annie said, "Goodnight King Edmund."

"Goodnight Princess Annie," Edmund said.

"Something's up with Ed," Peter said, "He's been, well, day dreaming a lot."

"Yeah I've noticed that too," Susan said, "Maybe we should go ask him."

Just then Edmund came in.
"Hi Su, Pete," Edmund said.

"Hi Ed," Susan said, "You've been acting differently lately and would you tell us what's going on?"

"Remember the one time King Ral came here with his one daughter, Princess Annie?" Edmund asked.

This right here clearly shows that this is a different day than when Princess Annie and King Edmund went on a walk together, but that isn't very clear when you begin the dialogue. I'm thinking maybe you should ad something, like this:
"Something's up with Ed," Peter said one morning, one afternoon, the next morning after this or that happened, etc. Just so that the reader can tell that it is a different day or a different time, because when I first read it, I got a little confused.

I just think you need a bit more detail in some areas and the romance part of it is a little lame somehow, though I'm not going to explain it here.

Do you have another game account somewhere? Like Equiverse to privately tell me what you think I should add?
No, not really. Maybe we could take this to the chat room?

[PeacefulOreo]

...

But I felt kinda lost when your characters say goodnight and then all of a sudden two other characters start talking about them. I think that maybe you should show how those characters got to talking, because I feel like I just jumped a cliff without knowing how I got there.

Where?

"It was great talking to you but I need to go get a good night's rest, my father plans for us to leave tomorrow morning and I would like to make sure I'm well rested," Annie said, "Goodnight King Edmund."

"Goodnight Princess Annie," Edmund said.

"Something's up with Ed," Peter said, "He's been, well, day dreaming a lot."

"Yeah I've noticed that too," Susan said, "Maybe we should go ask him."

Just then Edmund came in.
"Hi Su, Pete," Edmund said.

"Hi Ed," Susan said, "You've been acting differently lately and would you tell us what's going on?"

"Remember the one time King Ral came here with his one daughter, Princess Annie?" Edmund asked.

This right here clearly shows that this is a different day than when Princess Annie and King Edmund went on a walk together, but that isn't very clear when you begin the dialogue. I'm thinking maybe you should ad something, like this:
"Something's up with Ed," Peter said one morning, one afternoon, the next morning after this or that happened, etc. Just so that the reader can tell that it is a different day or a different time, because when I first read it, I got a little confused.

I just think you need a bit more detail in some areas and the romance part of it is a little lame somehow, though I'm not going to explain it here.

Do you have another game account somewhere? Like Equiverse to privately tell me what you think I should add?
No, not really. Maybe we could take this to the chat room?

There's a space between those two scenes (like separated paragraphs), of where Edmund's saying goodnight to her and the scene where the siblings figure out Edmund's in love, to indicate there is some time in between the events.


I'm on chat now but we should hurry because my parents and I are going to do something eventually

[PeacefulOreo]

Where?

"It was great talking to you but I need to go get a good night's rest, my father plans for us to leave tomorrow morning and I would like to make sure I'm well rested," Annie said, "Goodnight King Edmund."

"Goodnight Princess Annie," Edmund said.

"Something's up with Ed," Peter said, "He's been, well, day dreaming a lot."

"Yeah I've noticed that too," Susan said, "Maybe we should go ask him."

Just then Edmund came in.
"Hi Su, Pete," Edmund said.

"Hi Ed," Susan said, "You've been acting differently lately and would you tell us what's going on?"

"Remember the one time King Ral came here with his one daughter, Princess Annie?" Edmund asked.

This right here clearly shows that this is a different day than when Princess Annie and King Edmund went on a walk together, but that isn't very clear when you begin the dialogue. I'm thinking maybe you should ad something, like this:
"Something's up with Ed," Peter said one morning, one afternoon, the next morning after this or that happened, etc. Just so that the reader can tell that it is a different day or a different time, because when I first read it, I got a little confused.



Do you have another game account somewhere? Like Equiverse to privately tell me what you think I should add?
No, not really. Maybe we could take this to the chat room?

There's a space between those two scenes (like separated paragraphs), of where Edmund's saying goodnight to her and the scene where the siblings figure out Edmund's in love, to indicate there is some time in between the events.


I'm on chat now but we should hurry because my parents and I are going to do something eventually

Can we meet on chat at 9pm Eastern time USA and talk about it? I've got to go

[Caramelapple3]

ping

Okay.

[BlackOak2]

So I've made a story with several Narnia characters. I could use some suggestions and feedback on the story. I'm not yet finished with the story

https://www.wattpad.com/story/219252274 ... cess-annie

Good Luck!

Notes on chapter 1.


Remember that people don't live in vacuums. You'll need to describe the room that they're meeting in. Or is it the courtyard? Throne Room? Peter's room?
Generally speaking, a royal would have known or been informed of a king with no queen. Remember that you're speaking of somebody from the top of society. Such things are known, unless they've been kept hidden and a king with no queen would not have been overlooked.
Also, depending on how their society handles things, at least here on Earth, an unwed princess of marrying age wouldn't have been left alone with an unwed prince (in this case king) of marrying age. She would have offered at least an excuse first, before being 'told' that she shouldn't deny a king's wish... there are a lot of imaginative ways of adding such things in. In this case, she could respond instead with 'well, perhaps I shouldn't, but a walk after dinner would be most pleasing.' or something else along those lines. Also, they'd likely be walking in a garden and not the courtyard, unless there is more than just the arriving courtyard in you castle. Then perhaps there is an adjoining garden to your courtyard.
I'm not sure how I feel, other than it being a short story, about not hearing any of the conversation between the two of them.

You don't mention how long ago Ral's visit was. It sounds like you're making it quite some time ago. And how are they talking? I don't remember how narnians talk over a distance. Oh, they meet up. How long of a ride is it? Usually the seat of the kingdom is some-day's ride to the border, even by fast-horseback.

Though it's a great aside, the little snippet with Gorphi and Angonthe is a little out there in far right field. You'll either need to flesh it out a bit, or I might suggest just having either Ral or Peter being notified either by an advisor or messenger (think 'spy' in Angonthe's court), of Gorphi's sudden interest in Annie after some errant meeting, like a ball.

I also think that if Annie is the princess she's supposed to be, that she would stick to custom and at least call him by his title in the castle or around other people; that she can only offer the 'familiarity of closeness when not attended'... or something similar.

You will need a paragraph return when she goes to sleep I think. When she wakes up the next morning should be in a new paragraph.
I don't think a royal would understand or know how to cook, so you'll need to offer some sort of back-story or social reasoning for saying that.
Also, you're really making it sound like the two castles are literally side-by-side.

I think Natasha should hear about Annie's father considering the marriage proposal through gossip and not make it sound like Natasha was told by Annie's father directly.

You're not making Gorphi sound like you say he sounds. You should think haughty and gruff, like the 'the world is mine and revolves around me' style and try to make all of his lines come off a bit more like that.

I don't think that Natasha would respond with "you should tell your father..." you might want to word it differently, "the king hasn't responded well with other comments about the late queen" or maybe Natasha would say instead "his highness"
And a king has a slightly different understanding of his progeny then a regular father would. Though a king would want to and should protect his sons and daughters, by marrying her to another kingdom, he can ensure stability and peace for his own. Royalty is as much the fodder for the kingdom to be used wherever and whenever they need then they belong to themselves. If you're born royal, you belong to your kingdom, not to yourself. So you might want to keep that in mind when you're writing and designing the personalities and thoughts of your characters. They're still people and human (in most cases), but this is the way they would have probably been raised. The kingdom comes first, not your personal wants and desires. But of course, they you get royal buttheads like Gorphi that are raised that the world revolves around them.
I think that last part you introduce Peter telling Edmond about the proposal from Gorphi and have Ed run off to Annie to learn about the 'is it true? Are you going to marry Gorphi?'
Then 'Father is taking it into consideration, but I Don't Want To!' then go on into her venting.